The Second Tale of Lucy Turnenbaumerumm
by thecolouryes
Summary: Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber. MOVIES 2&3. *NOTE: DISCONTINUED*
1. Chpt 1: Returning to Pirates

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED T FOR STUPIDITY! (also cause I curse some now) BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Welcome back, y'all! Okay, done with my two-second southern-ness, brought on by Oklahoma! (the middle school's musical). Do you like the dumbness up at the top? I'm trying to be more organized, and have had fun with the dumb things you can do with alignment and things like "toggle case" (for the title).**

**Anyway, the inspiration to write this is, like the first one, true to 'my' inspiration to return to pirates-land. Also, Lucy Turnenbaumerumm is still very me... so the changes that have happened to me have to her and vice versa.**

**Enjoy.**

**Chapter 1: Returning to Pirates (1287 words)**

Okay, so, technamally, it wasn't a year since I was last in pirates-land. It was actually kinda quite a bit more than a year, because for some reason I had been too lazy what with typing up my first adventure in pirates-land and writing other things and going to school and attempting to have a life on the side to actually go back to pirates-land. So it was more than a year and a half since I last went to pirates land, but what could I say? I couldn't exactly go back in time and tell myself that I had to go to pirates land within a reasonable timeframe, could I?

After all, I didn't have magical time-travel powers.

Anyway, so it was Spring Break. Pretty special, huh? And at first it woulda just been normal and boring, and the only thing productive I woulda gotten done was writing a whole ton of a revision of this original story I wrote. But then, this author, illogical squeeks, put up a new story. An absoluterly hilarious one. I can't really memember what it's about, but that's beside the point. Cause then I went back and read this story of hers, A Long Way From Home, which is about this insane-o girl on the Flying Dutchman. And somehow that made me wanna go back to pirates-land.

So, I shut off my computer and went up to my attic. I pulled the Pirates 2 DVD off the shelf (that actually belongs to my friend, but I stole it from her so long ago that I don't think she misses it anymore). "Selene!" I called to the otherwise empty attic. Selene is my magical guardian angel lady who isn't actually that good at protecting me but she's awesome for when I wanna do dumb stuff like this. Go into pirates-land, I mean.

Selene appeared nearby me. "_That's_ what Rose from Titanic looks like! I forgetted." Selene rolled her eyes.

"I don't look like her. _She_ looks like _me._ Duh."

"Oh yeah. I forgetted. Oh, guess what? I used your name to make a nickname for Slenee."

"I know," Selene said. "By the way, why did you just use the word 'said'? I thought you hated it."

"I did, but this is a fanfic. So I don't care. Wait, how did you know that I did?"

"Don't you remember the seeing-in-the-fourth-dimension thing?"

"No."

"Whatever. I'm too lazy to explain it to you now. Where do you wanna go?"

"Second Pirates movie, please. See? I have it right here." Whenever I went into a movie, a magical copy of myself stayed in my dimension, appearing to watch the actual version of the movie. It was pretty awesome... and it helped my parents to not know that I spent my spare time in parallel universes.

"Umm, Selene, I has a question."

"Have," she corrected.

"Huh?"

"You said – oh never mind, you clearly don't care about grammar right now. What's your question?"

"Are they still gonna recognize me? I mean, I growed four inches and my hair has a similar but better-looking cut then it did then if I remember that haircut correctly and I wear contacts now not glasses, so..."

"They'll recognize you fine. Start acting like your typical dumb self and you should be good."

"Hey!" I protested

"I don't mean it as an insult; they just think you're crazy."

"I _am_ crazy."

"So then what's your problem with it?"

"You said dumb. I'm not dumb; I'm insane."

"And the difference is?"

"Word choice." Selene rolled her eyes.

"Are you gonna go into the pirates or not?" she asked. I thought about it for a moment.

"Actually, I haven't watched this one in a while... could I jump in after I watched it?"

"So, what, watch it twice?"

"It's not unbelievable!" Selene sighed.

"Fine! Call me back when you need me." So, I did. I sat and watched the movie again, just so I'd be familiar with it and where it left off, and then I called Selene back. "_Now_ you're ready to go to pirates-land."

"Aye!" Selene shook her head.

"Where'm I tossing you in?"

"Hmm... I'll end up near the _Pearl_, in the beginning. You know, before Jack gets there."

"Alright," Selene answered. "Careful, this is going to hurt." Selene smacked me upside the head with some magical bag of bricks or something. The point was, it knocked me out.

* * *

"Help!" I yelled. I was close to drowning.

Again.

See, when I went into the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, over a year ago, I managed to start it off on an amazing foot: I nearly drowned right outside of Port Royal. The good news was, I was rescued by Jack, and proceeded to assist him in his adventures... and brought along a non-canon character named Jamie who was his sister (or half-sister or something). For any more clarification on my adventures, you'll have to read TTLT, the conglomeration (OMG BIG WORD... that sounds cool XD) of that complete adventure.

Anyway, this time when I was drowning, it was a little scarier, because it was dark out so I couldn't tell which way was up by the light. I managed to get myself to tread water. By this time, I could make out a big hunk of a ship next to me. I hear, rather than saw, a drunken Gibbs singing.

"_Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,  
Yo ho ho and a bottle o'rum.  
Drink and the devil had done for the rest,  
Yo ho ho and a bottle o'rum."_ He laughed rather creepily.

"Hey, Gibbs!" I yelled. "Man overboard! Well, actually a woman, but that's beside the point!" I didn't hear any sort of response. "YO! GIBBS! FORTUNE-TELLER DROWNIN' DOWN HERE!" Instead of Gibbs, a familiar brown-haired, brown-eyed girl poked her head over the side of the ship. "Jamie!" I exclaimed excitedly. This was Jamie, Jack's half-sister, who I had met when I actually ran into a wall in Tortuga. Regardless of our strange meeting, we had become pretty close over the course of the few days that we had spent together. I swam closer to the ship and discovered that I had the luck to be right next to one of the handy dandy staircases cut into the wall. I scampered up it. "Jamie!" I said once I was up there. She stared at me, not recognizing her crazy friend under all the changes that had happened in the past eighteen months.

"Who're you?"

"Lucy Turnenbaumerumm! Don't you remember _anything_?" I asked. Suddenly, she recognized me without my glasses and slightly taller and wearing different hair. I hugged her.

"Where have you been? I've been looking _everywhere_ for you!" she said.

"Sorry, I took a long break... far away..." I didn't feel like adding that I went to another time. She wouldn't believe me if I did, anyway. "So what'd I miss around here?"

"Nothing much," she answered. "Other than a hurricane. That wasn't fun."

"You'll have to tell me all about it!" I suddenly shivered in my wet clothes. "Could we maybe get me something dry to wear, though?" I asked. She nodded.

"I've got all your effects back in our cabin. You can change, and I'll tell you what's happened." I nodded, so she led me belowdecks. We had a cabin all to ourselves, much like the one that Ana, Jamie, and I had shared on the _Interceptor_, except that this one felt a lot bigger because there were only two of us. Jamie handed me a dry set of clothes and the short sword I had taken from Will's smithy. I put them on quickly, excited to be beginning another adventure.

**A/N: Woot! This thing again! This time, it's actually going to work! I'm going to update it! Yes, that's what I plan on doing this Spring Break. Writing fanfics and original stories. Well, tell me what you thought of this. I'd really love to know.**


	2. Chpt 2: Back to Stealing Line

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED T FOR STUPIDITY! (also cause I curse some now) BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Well. Another part already. Unfortunately, this is going to be the last chapter until probably Friday. I'm going to family's house for Passover and won't be back till late enough Thursday that I won't be able to update any more of this. Sorry!**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2: Back to Stealing Lines (1373 words)**

When Jamie finished telling me about the amazingly terrifying adventure of the hurricane, I decided it was high time to go up on deck. If my memory served me right at all, it was about time for Jack to arrive.

It turned out I had amazing timing for once. (Normally, my timing sucks.) Jamie and I appeared on the deck just as Jack climbed up over the side. Well, as he handed the dead guy's leg to Gibbs.

"Not _quite_ according to plan," he told his captain, staring at the bone.

"You think?" I said.

"Complications arose, ensued, were overcome," Jack explained as Cotton gave him his coat. In replacement, he got the bone. Lucky Cotton.

"You got what you went in for, then?" Gibbs wanted to know.

"Mhmm," Jack answered, brandishing a piece of cloth that he then waved in Gibbs's face.

"I know what it is!" I said. Jack turned around. The crew, me and Jamie included, took a step forward, into his face, when he did. He flinched a little. And kinda glared at the crew for lurking about.

"Captain, I think the crew, meaning me as well, were expecting something a bit more..."

"Shiny!" I interrupted. Gibbs looked at me. So did Jack. Clearly, now neither of them needed to question my identity. Who could I be other than the random, annoying, interrupting girl?

"What with the Isla de Muerta going all pear-shaped, reclaimed by the sea, and the treasure along with it," Gibbs explained.

"And the Royal Navy chasing us all around the Atlantic," one of the crewmen added. I didn't know his name, but he was the Leader Guy of the New Crew.

"And the hurricane!" Marty added.

"Aye!" chorused the crew. I did too – just to get in the spirit, though. This part of the movie was annoyingly slow, and I only had like one line that I could steal (oh no!).

"All in all, it seems some time since we did a speck of honest pirating," Gibbs explained. I laughed.

"Honest pirating?" I said to Jamie.

"Shiny," Jack repeated.

"Aye, shiny," Gibbs repeated.

"Is that how you're all feeling, then?" Jack asked.

"Not me!" I interrupted. Not a single person paid attention to me. I'd forgotten about that.

"That perhaps dear old Jack is not serving your best interests as Captain?" he continued without paying me any heed. The crew shared a look like, _Well..._

"Walk the plank!" squawked Cotton's parrot. Jack pulled out his gun and aimed it at the bird.

"What did the bird say?"

"Do not blame the bird," said Leader Guy of the New Crew with his wierdo accent.

"And don't shoot it!" I protested. "That's not very nice!" Jamie looked at me like I was insane. Then I remembered that I was surrounded by pirates, with whom "nice" meant nothing.

"Show us, what is on that piece of cloth there?" LGotNC (Leader Guy of the New Crew shortened into a handy-dandy unpronounceable acronym: LGotNC) said. All of a sudden, Jack the monkey dropped down in front of Jack the Captain's face. He shot at the undead creature, but it didn't work – wet powder.

"OMG I GET IT NOW!" I suddenly yelled. I hadn't realized why that was important, or ironic, but then I put two and two together and _didn't_ get five like the Ministry of Magic always does (that's for an HP fic). Cause that part in the third movie, when they come outta the locker and no one's guns work... yeah. Wet powder.

Anyway, Jack the monkey stole Jack the Captain's cloth and ran off with it. Jack the Captain stole LGotNC's gun and shot at Jack the Monkey. The monkey screeched and dropped the cloth.

"You know that don't do no good," Gibbs said. I could've stolen the line if I felt like it, but it was such a bogus line that that was pointless.

"It does me," Jack answered. Marty ran over and picked up the cloth.

"It's a key!" he said.

"No, much more better!" said Jack and I together. He didn't even stop to notice me perfectly imitating him. "It is a _drawering_ of a key." ((Yes, I realize that's not how you splel drawing. But, you know, that's how he pronuncifies it. And that's how _I_ always pronuncify it, when I'm stealing the line especially.)) All of the crew, me and Jamie at the front right next to Gibbs, moved closer.

"Gentlemen, what do keys do?" Jack asked.

"Keys... unlock things?" LGotNC and I said. Only, without the H, so it was tings.

"And whatever this key unlocks, _inside_ there's something valuable. So we're setting out to find whatever it is this key unlocks," Gibbs said.

"No," Jack and I and, to my surprise, Jamie said. Then Jack and I (because I couldn't resist) went on a rant about unlocking locked things. And things to unlock the locked things.

"If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever it is that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?" Gibbs stared at Jack and Jamie stared at me.

"I'm a fortune-teller from the future, remember?" I told Jamie.

"Ah," she said with her eyes raised.

"So, we're going after this key," Gibbs clarified.

"You're not making any sense at all, Jack said. He turned back to his crew. "Any more questions?" I tried to think of one on the spot.

"Why is the sky blue?" I asked.

"The sky is black, Lucy," Jamie pointed out. It was. After all, it was some indistinct time of the night.

"Riiight..." I said.

"So..." Marty began. "Do we have a heading?"

"Ha!" Jack said. "A heading." He took out his compass. Even though I was facing the opposite direction and therefore would end up pointing in the wrong direction, it really didn't matter: I mimed – and quoted – this next part of Jack's as well.

"Set sail in a... a general... _that_ way direction."

"Cap'n?" Gibbs asked.

"Come on, snap to and make sail. You know how this works. Go on," Jack ordered as he went back into his cabin. Marty and Gibbs went over to the rail. I followed, and Jamie followed me.

"Have you noticed that the Captain's been acting a bit strange?" Marty asked.

"Er," I clarified.

"Settin' sail without knowin' his own headin'?" Gibbs commented. "Something's got Jack vexed." I couldn't help it; again I stole lines.

"And mark my words, whatever bodes ill for Jack Sparrow bodes ill for us all." Jamie looked at me. She looked like she was about to ask me something, but then stopped. Clearly, even though it was over a year (for me) since I'd been seen around here, the people who belonged here were still used to my extreme eccentricities.

"Should we go your way or his way?" she asked me.

"Huh? Oh, it doesn't matter. The kraken'll be after us either way." Jamie raised her eyes.

"The kraken?"

"Oh, never mind. I'll show you later – when Bootstrap comes to visit."

"What?"

"Never mind!" I repeated. Gosh, I really had to stop making references to things that hadn't happened yet. "I will show you later," I said like I was talking to a slow six-year-old. "We will go belowdecks and meet Bootstrap Bill Turner when he comes to tell Jack about how Davy Jones is after him because your dumb half-brother sold his soul to the tentacled guy in exchange for a ship he didn't even get to be captain of. Tough luck."

"_What_?"

"I'LL EXPLAIN LATER!" I repeated. "Now I'm hungry. Where's the food around here?" Jamie looked at me like I was a little crazy, which I must say I was. Like, a little more than usual. I offered up a quick prayer – partially to Selene and partially to my made-up Goddess lady who created the earth (but that's a whole other story that doesn't belong on FanFiction) – that it wasn't from PMS and was just from me being off. I didn't get an answer, but then again, I rarely did.

"I'll show you to the galley," Jamie said, and led me off belowdecks.

**A/N: Yay! Two parts in one day. And here I was thinking I wouldn't be able to! Unfortunately, I won't be able to keep up my more-parts-than-days-this-story-is-old record that I was able to with TTLT.**

**To warn you now, since I have a plot all written out in my head that explains Norrie's "lost another one to Jack" look at the end of Pirates 1, I'm going to be tossing a bit of it (probably not enough to ruin the plot of the fanfic when/if I actually write it, more like a little something on the side) into this once we meet up with totally ruined Norrie. ****I might throw in some stuff from fanfics I haven't (more than unofficially) planned. We'll just have to wait and see, hmm?**

**Also, this fanfic (the 2****nd**** tale of Lucy T) is going to encompass all of movies 2 **_**and**_** 3. After that, I might write a LotR Turnenbaumerumm (which I would call TTLT3 even tho it's not in pirates-land). We'll just have to wait and see.**


	3. Chpt 3: A Visit from BB

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Hey-o. Lucy here. I managed to write this in hideous shorthand (that wasn't real shorthand or anything, it was just me not writing anyone's name except maybe twice and using a little chatspeak and ampersands (the E-ish kind, not the & kind)) in the car today. You're lucky you even have it. I'm surprised I got it written.**

**The title comes from my shorthand for Bootstrap Bill (get it?).**

**Chapter 3: A Visit From BB (1469 words)**

So, anyway, after I got some food from the galley (one word of advice to all of you who've got guardian angels like Selene and can go back into pirate-land: don't trust any food that move) (okay maybe that was six words but still), Jamie and I went back to our shared cabin. "So... now what?" I asked. Jamie looked at me.

"How am I supposed to know? You're the fortune-teller from the future."

"Good point."

"So, go to sleep? Get drunk?"

"No!" I said. I had bad memories of the last time I'd attempted that.

"Come on, if you stay away from it, you'll never get used to it!" Jamie protested.

"Maybe I don't want to get used to it!" I said. Jamie rolled her eyes.

"Well, what if you stuck to one?" I thought about this. I couldn't think of any reason why this would be bad: I mean, a little loopier than normal is just... a little loopier than normal, right?

"Okay, I guess that'd be okay," I told her.

"Follow me!" she said, practically dragging me out of the room and down the stairs. Then we got to the locked door.

"Don't you need a –" I began, but Jamie just picked the lock with a bobby pin she then stuck back in her hair. "I guess not. Can you teach me how to do that?" I asked.

"Another time," Jamie said. She ran in and grabbed two bottles. "Here," she said, hanging one to me. I took it. Remembering how incompetent at de-corking the last bottle I'd had, I put a lot of force into yanking off this cork. And promptly smacked myself in the eye with the back of my hand.

"Ow!" Jamie laughed.

"Brilliant!"

"_Thanks_. So, _now_ what? We sit around and drink rum?"

"Why not?" I shrugged. Jamie led the way back up the stairs and to our room. We say on our hammocks and drank. I probably started some dumb conversation about how it was beans that got me here in the first place. (For more information, read TTLT.) Or maybe we just sat around doing nothing. For some reason, I can't remember.

Anyway, we finished our first bottles and both decided that we wanted another. Well, I pretended that I'd decided that I wanted another one, and Jamie really did. So we scampered down the steps. The thing was, Jamie didn't need to use her lock picking skillz. Jack had already gone in to get himself some more rum.

"Time's run out, Jack," Bootstrap Bill said. Jack dropped his bottle o' sand and it crashed to the floor.

"OMG!" I said. "We're in time to see creepy man!"

"Cool!" Jamie said.

"I know! Follow me!" Jamie followed me who followed Jack who was headed towards Bootstrap who was the source of the creepy voice. We walked across the floor and there, in the shadows, was a mutant-ish Bootstrap!

"Bootstrap Bill Turner," Jack said.

"Inorite?" I said in my most annoying teenage-girl voice. Bootstrap was looking nice and creepy. Wonderful!

"You look good, Jack," Bootstrap said. They stared at enough for a moment. I needed something awkward or just annoying to break the silence.

"I look good too!" I finally decided on. Fail, I thought. Such a good time to say something annoying and totally twenty-first century!

"Is this a dream?" Jack asked.

"No," Bootstrap answered.

"I thought not. If it were, there'd be rum."

"And we wouldn't be here," Jamie pointed out sadly. Bootstrap fixed the first problem by handing Jack a bottle of rum.

"What, _we_ don't get any?" I protest as Jack sorta broke Bootstrap's fingers off of it.

"We _have_ some," Jamie reminded me.

"Oh yeah."

"You got the _Pearl_ back, I see," Bootstrap noted. Jack nodded.

"I had some help retrieving the _Pearl_, by the way. Your son."

"And us two!" Jamie interrupted.

"William?" Bootstrap asked.

"No, Will, idiot," I said. "William is _his_ son."

"Will has a son?" Jamie asked me.

"Not _yet_, per se," I said.

"He ended up a pirate after all," Bootstrap continued, heedless of Jamie and I, sadly.

"A damn good one, though," Jamie commented.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of your carbuncle?" Jack asked out resident Halloween-ready monster-man.

"He sent me." Jack looked at Bootstrap blankly. "Davey Jones."

"DJ! I love him! Well, not really, but yeah," I said. "He's even creepier than Bootstrap here," I told Jamie. Apparently, Bootstrap _was_ listening to me, because he gave a look like _Who you think you're talkin' bout?_ Only, of course, he doesn't speak in terms like that, so it was more like _Are you actually calling me creepy with me sitting right here?_

"Oh, so it's you, then," Jack said. I went up and poked Bootstrap.

"Yup, 83.5% sure he's real. He's definitely here, anyway." Jack sat down, back to ignoring me. As usual.

"He shanghaied you into service then, eh?" he asked.

"No way! Bootstrap here was just cursed into undeadness, causa that dumb Aztec stuff, and he _chose_ to be shanghaied into service... or something like that," I explained. Bootstrap had also gone back to ignoring me, apparently (what was it with old guys and ignoring me?), because he told a nicer version anyway.

"I chose it." Jack looked at him like he was in sane, a look I knew well. No matter who showed it, it was the same: the YOUAREBLOODYINSANE look. "I'm sorry for the part I played in the mutiny against ye, Jack." Bootstrap caught this random crawly thing that was on the barrel next to him. "I stood up for you. Everything went wrong after that."

"Don't –" I started a little too late. He ate the random crawler thing before I could even finish my command.

"Ew," Jamie said. That was a much more eloquent way to put it than the dumb (but incredibly amusing, I must say) face thing that Jack showed. I nodded in agreement.

"Bleh," I agreed as Bootstrap kept going.

"They strapped me to a canon. I ended up on the bottom of the ocean, the weight of the water crushing down on me. Unable to move. Unable to die, Jack. And I thought that even the tiniest hope of escaping this fate, I would take it." Jack handed the rum back to his friend. I protested, but Jamie shut me up. "I would trade anything for it." Bootstrap took a drink.

"It's a funny what a man will do to forestall his final judgment," Jack said.

"Foreshadowing, much?" I laughed. Jamie gave me a questioning look. I shook my head – Bootstrap would get to it in all of twenty seconds.

"You made a deal with him too, Jack," Bootstrap reminded us creepily. "He raised the _Pearl_ from the depths for you. Thirteen years you've been her captain."

"Technically–"

"Jack..." Bootstrap said.

"You were just a _bad_ captain," I said. Jack (and Jamie, defending her brother's honor... ish) glared at me.

"You won't be able to talk yourself out of this. The terms what apply to me apply to you as well. One soul, bound to crew one hundred years upon his ship."

"Yes, but the _Flying Dutchman_ already _has_ a captain, so there's really no–" Jack protested.

"Then it's the locker for you!" Bootstrap countered relentlessly. "Jones's terrible leviathan will find you and drag the _Pearl_ back to the depths and you along with it."

"Any idea when Jones might release said terrible beastie?" Jack asked super-duper quietly.

"How 'bout now?" I interrupted. Jamie looked at me with a face like _Oh shit, really?_

"I already told you, Jack. Your time is up." Bootstrap smacked/dragged his hand on Jack's where the Black Spot was going to be. "It comes now, drawn with ravenous hunger, to the man what bears the Black Spot." Jack stared at the Black Spot that was forming on his hand. Jamie and I watched Bootstrap disappear into the wall. I turned to Jamie.

"Okay, so we're gonna be running for land soon. Only it's gonna be full of cannibals," I said as Jack ran up the stairs to wake the rest of the crew.

"Lucy, it does _not_ take a single bottle of rum to get drunk enough to believe that."

"I'm not drunk; I'm a fortune-teller from the future, remember?" Jamie raised her eyebrows but listened. "So let's get as drunk as we possibly can so that they think we're goddesses." What I didn't tell Jamie was that I just planned to be my insane self. _She_ would have to actually be drunk to go along with the random crap that I'd spew out. Jamie shrugged. She'd had her brother to deal with, and my insane-o plans usually turned out to work.

"Sounds like a plan to me!"

**A/N: So, whadaya think? Oh, hahaha, something funny: in my shorthand-ish, Black Spot = BS. XD Anyway, review, will ya?**


	4. Chpt 4: The CottonEye Joe

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Allo. Lucy again (who else?). Anyway, sorry this took so long to get out. I changed my mind and decided that I was going to NOT be cursing drunk.**

**Just... cursing occasionally. XD Anyway, here's a nice chapter... that involves me teaching the cannibals the Cotton-Eye Joe...**

**Chapter 4: The Cotton-Eye Joe (1294 words)**

"We have one thing to do before we get drunk," I told Jamie. She looked at me suspiciously. "I just want to steal some more lines!"

"By 'steal some more lines' you mean 'say what people plan on saying before they do', right?" Jamie asked. Right, they don't know this is a movie.

"Um, yeah, sure. Anyway, follow me. We get to see your brother being afraid of a giant squid!" Jamie raised her eyebrows.

"Whatever you say." I raced up the stairs with Jamie, holding two bottles of rum, right behind me. We managed to bump into only three people each (well, in my case anyway – I wasn't counting for Jamie).

"Run as if the devil himself and itself is upon us!" I heard Jack yell.

"Do we have a heading?" Gibbs asked around the mast.

"Nope!" I said brightly as Jack jumped.

"Aah! Ooh. Run! Land." Jack said.

"Brilliant one-word sentences," Jamie noticed. I nodded in agreement.

"Which port?" Gibbs needed to know.

"Didn't say 'port,'" Jack said.

"He said land," Jamie noted.

"Any land," I clarified. "You're good at this too," I said to Jamie, who shrugged.

"He's my brother; I usually know what he's thinking."

"Ah!" Jack said. Jack the Monkey had taken that moment to swing across and steal Jack the Captain's hat. Jack (the person) hissed at him childishly – or like me when I was impersonating a cat. The monkey dropped the precious hat into the ocean. The _entire_ crew leaned over the railing.

"Jack's hat!" Gibbs said. "Bring her about!" he ordered the crew.

"Don't bother," I said.

"No, no, leave it!" Jack said. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy.

"Run!" I said. For once, I was the sane one. Or Jack agreed with me anyway cause he said the same thing.

"Back to your stations, the lot o' ya!" Gibbs ordered. Then went to check on the captain.

"For the love of mother and child, Jack, what's coming after us?" he wanted to know.

"Nothing," Jack said.

"It's not coming after _us_, per se," I explained. Gibbs looked at the two of us like we were insane. "Finally! Someone on _my_ side of the YOUAREBLOODYINSANE look!" Jack, Jamie, and Gibbs ... gave me a YOUAREBLOODYINSANE look. "Or not," I said sheepishly. And followed Jamie to whatever job she went off to do, at which I would most definitely be almost no help whatsoever.

Brilliant.

* * *

We arrived at Cannibal Island without incident, if you don't call arriving unintentionally (on purpose? well, on my part anyway) on an island full of cannibals an 'incident'. Anyway, we got off the boat right quick. I volunteered myself and Jamie, who at this point was pretty insanely drunk (or appeared to be... I couldn't really tell, what with her having Sparrow blood and all) to forage ahead. Then Jack got all _No I'm the Captain I should go first_ and then I was all _Yes but whoever goes first is the most likely to be eaten by cannibals or something_ which got me a _If you wanna get eaten by cannibals, be my guest_ look from Jack.

"Thank you, Jack, I feel so loved," I said. Sarcastically, might I add. Jack gave me a look. "Come on, don't y'all use the word 'love' to mean anything other than romantic or familial love 'round here?" The only response I got was a few more YOUAREBLOODYINSANE looks. "Guess not. Anyway, follow me!" I said, pretending to know exactly where I was going. I just walked straight, with Jamie behind me and Jack right behind her. And somehow, we three managed to bypass a giant snare that the rest of the crew fell for.

The cannibals appeared out of nowhere. They started talking to us, the three of us that weren't in the trap, like we were gods or something. Then I got it. We just were treated like gods because we were too smart for their trap. "Damn, and here I thought I'd be able to be insane," I said. They looked at me strangely.

"You are _so_ lucky I hold my rum well," Jamie said.

"Damn!" I answered. "I thought you were drunk."

"Four rums? Not a chance!" she answered. The islanders stared at us.

"The sky is the color of fish food!" I began. "You shall be rewarded immensely shall you never forget it. Jamie, my dear, it is my honor to introduce the Green-Horse people of Fishland. They happen to eat cows, but only for afternoon tea. It is a rarity, did you know? I wear glass in my ears some times. After that, I usually have to wash them out with fish food because they have turned the color of the sky." The entire crew stared at me, like, well, like I was insane. However, this wasn't something unfamiliar. Jamie, however, had caught on to my idea.

"We shall have to roast the pineapples in an ocean sauce, would you agree, sister?" she said to me.

"No," she responded. "The cats are alive. They might get mad at us."

"Ah, yes," I replied with false knowing, and we continued on rants about nothing. Being insane came much too easily to both of us. Meanwhile, Jack sort of caught on. Enough to improvise that he knew the natives' language, and (hopefully) tell them that we girls were also... deities.

Hopefully, their word for "deity" and "insane person" was the same one.

I hoped I'd never have to hope that again.

* * *

That night was interesting. They lit a huge bonfire for us after dinner. (I was a vegetarian for the night, in case you were wondering. It was sort of a shame. This coulda been my one chance to eat fresh meat... but I sure as hell wasn't going to eat _this_ meat (even though that random French-ish guy had said it was delicious).) We had already had the eyes painted on us by three women of the tribe. That was how we had spent most of the afternoon after we had been captured. I mean, I thought the effect was cool, but I actually was getting kinda annoyed at how OCD (should I say CDO?) they were being about the perfection of the eyes.

Anyway, to go along with the fire, they started beating their drums in a way that made me want to dance. The problem was that there was no mosh-pit-type music playing. Ergo, the fail jump-sway-mob dance that I was so good at (in a ridiculously fail way that it of course required) was out. Also, I didn't think they knew (or had the proper instrument for) Hot n Cold by Katy Perry which I had my own fail dance-mime to. Suddenly, I had it. "No, no, like this!" I said to the drummers and tapped a beat for them on the edge of a drum. It went like this (in case any of you have a really good sense of rhythm): beat beat, beat beat, beat beat, beat beat, beat beat beat beat, beat beat beat beat, and repeat. "Jamie!" I yelled. "Follow my dancing! I'm'a teach y'all the Cotton-Eye Joe!" She stared at me. "You don't know it?" I asked, faking hurt. And I proceeded to teach them all (Jack included, surprisingly) the Cotton-Eye Joe. I was _sure_ the cannibals thought it was a religious dance or something. Suckers.

Before we passed out of exhaustion , Jamie pulled me aside. "What kind of dance is this?" she asked.

"One from the future!" I answered. She shook her head exasperatedly. "Remember, I'm a fortune teller _and_ from the future!" I laughed. She rolled her eyes but said nothing. Clearly, it didn't matter – the cannibals sure weren't eating us!

**A/N: Review. It's simple. There's even a nice, green button at the bottom! Right underneath this AN! Yeah, I'll stop bugging you now.**


	5. Chpt 5: Runaway PeopleKabobs

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Hola. Me llamo Lucy. And that's all the Spanish of this chapter... I woulda said it in French cause it would (kinda) be more fitting but I don't know how and I'm too lazy to ask my French friend, because she's not around. Anyway, here's another chapter. I'm trying to get back up to the more-chapters-than-days-this-story-is-old record that I had for TTLT.**

**In response to the last chapter, which was on the shorter side, this chapter is on the longer side. Woot. Enjoy. (I command you to!)**

**Chapter 5: Runaway People-Kabobs (1623 words)**

The next morning, we woke up sometime midmorning. Jack, Jamie and I were seated on thrones I didn't want to know the source materials of. We were actually kind of lucky to not be sitting there for very long by the time Will showed up. Or maybe I just fell asleep with my eyes closed.

Anyway, they brought in Will all tied to a stick. "Look!" I said. "It's a Will-a-Kabob!" Jamie laughed.

"Yummy," she said to the cannibals, rubbing her stomach and miming eating him. I did the same. Will glared at us angrily.

"Jack?" the Will-a-kabob asked after he glared at us. "Jack Sparrow?"

"And Lucy Turnenbaumerumm!" I added.

"And _Jamie_ Sparrow!" Jamie added.

"Wait, we have to pretend not to recognize him..." I remembered.

"Right, he's Yummy." I nodded.

"Yummy!" I agreed.

"I can honestly say I'm glad to see you," Will laughed.

"Don't be," I said. I think Will would have tilted his head sideways, but he already was, so it didn't do much. Regardless, Jack stood up and walked over to inspect him. I skipped over after him, and Jamie after me.

"Jack, it's me – Will Turner," Will explained.

"He knows who you are," I told him.

"Yummy!" Jamie said by way of greeting and to remind me not to talk to him.

"Sorry, we'll – well, Gibbs will explain later.

"Bah se ko?" Jack asked the leader-ish guy of the cannibal tribe.

"Inn daga," he said. "Isipi."

"Isipi!" they all said.

"Tell him to let me down!" Will suggested.

"Bad idea," I said to him.

"No you talk to Yummy," Jamie said.

"Right," I said.

"Iley lam. Laum pinky. Laum... eensy-weensy," Jack told the leader. "Laum se se... eunuchy."

"Snip, snip," I explained.

"Ahh, eunuchy," the islanders repeated.

"Jack, the compass!" Will said. A last cry for hope. Fail. "That's all I need! Elizabeth is in danger."

"You're in more!" I said.

"No you talk to Yummy!" Jamie repeated.

"Right," I repeated.

"We were arrested for trying to help you," the Kabob went on. "She faces the gallows!"

"Se se laum shup shup la smog llama shup shup, savvy? Ma liki liki," Jack said to the natives. Or something like that.

"Ma liki liki!" they all repeated. Then, Jack went over to Will and whispered, "Save me!"

"Us!" I corrected.

"Jack, what did you tell them?" Will demanded as they carried him off, chanting. He kept crying out the whole time.

"No you talk to Yummy!" Jamie repeated. _Again._

"Right," I repeated. _Again._ Then we all sat back down on our thrones.

And waited.

* * *

It turned out that the cannibals were going to eat us one night at a time. (Cruel, huh?) Well, actually, they were going to eat Jack today and me and Jamie tomorrow. I didn't question the logic of it. So, they were paying more attention to Jack.

A _lot_ more attention to him.

Jamie and I managed to sneak away when he did, the first time. After the "more wood! want big fire!" dialogue. You know what I'm talking about, right? Well, anyway, we managed to sneak away then. And run as fast as we possibly could towards the coast. The good news was it wasn't a big island, so that didn't take too long.

When we got there, Pintel and Ragetti were in the process of trying to take the _Pearl_ out to sea. Needless to say, with two people, it was failing.

Miserably.

Not that I would be capable of doing much to fix that. But Jamie probably would. Anyway, we climbed up onto the ship and I did my best to help. With Jamie around, we actually got somewhere. Soon enough, the rest of the crew was running towards the ship. Jack the Monkey had stolen Ragetti's eye, and while I had about seventeen hundred opportunities to get it back, I didn't bother.

"Haul loose the mooring line!" Pintel shouted up to us.

"I think I know what I'm doing!" Jamie screamed back.

"I'd go with what she says!" I added loudly. And while the two friends were arguing about Jack the Monkey, Gibbs showed up, happy at their progress.

"Make ready to sail, boys!" Gibbs ordered.

"What about Jack? I won't leave without him!" Will yelled.

"Look!" I yelled. Sure enough, Jack was running around the edge of the island.

With the islanders right behind him, of course.

"Never mind, let's go," Will said. I blinked. I was _sure_ that wasn't right. That was the inconsistency between the trailer and the movie. I knew it! Something fishy was going on...

"Cast off those lines!" Gibbs screamed in a little girl voice.

"Someone's afraid of being eaten," I laughed. I watched Jack run over, standing conveniently in the way.

"Alas, my children, today you will always remember as the day that you almost–" Jack yelled to the islanders. "Captain Jack Sparrow," he finished. He climbed onto the ship.

"Good to see you're alive," Jamie said. Jack ignored her.

"That's nice," I said. "Ignoring your own sister." Jamie rolled her eyes.

"He does it all the time."

"I wish _my_ brother would."

"You have a brother?"

"A little one. He's eight.

"Let's put some distance between us and this island and head out to open sea," Gibbs suggested to the Captain. Pintel and Ragetti came up behind him and gave him his coat.

"Kiss-ups," I muttered at them. Jamie looked at me. Right, I thought. "Kiss" is another one of those only-used-to-mean-its-meaning words.

"Yes to first, and yes to the second, but only insofar as to keep to the shallows as much as possible."

"That seems a bit contradictory, Cap'n," Gibbs pointed out.

"Yes," I said.

"I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Master Gibbs. Now where is that monkey? I want to shoot _something_," he said all in one breath.

"Idk, my bff Jill?" I said. Jamie – the only one paying attention to me – gave me one of those infamous YOUAREBLOODYINSANE looks. Then the monkey dropped Ragetti's eye onto the deck in front of us. "Found him!" I said in my best helpful-little-kid voice.

"Jack, Elizabeth is in danger," Will said, choosing that moment to appear.

"No, really?" I said.

"Have you considered keeping a more watchful eye on her?" he suggested.

"Yes," Jamie said. "He didn't take my advice, though.

"Maybe just lock her up somewhere?" Jack continued.

"He already tried that. It didn't work," I said.

"She _is_ locked up in a prison," Will replied.

"Bound to hang for helping you," I added.

"There comes a time when one must take responsibility for one's mistakes," Jack said.

"Hypocrite," Jamie said.

"Agreed," I said. Will stole some random person's sword and put it to Jack's throat.

"I need that compass of yours, Jack."

"Don't you think that random crewman might need his sword back?" Jamie wondered.

"Nah. After all, Will's master swordsman. He gets whatever sword he likes." To prove my point, the random guy just walked away.

"I must trade it for her freedom," he said with a serious face.

"I beg to differ," I said, but no one was paying attention to be so I didn't actually _have_ to differ. Brilliant, huh? Jack picked up the blade at his neck and switched it to his other shoulder. Will gave him a _huh?_ look.

"Mister Gibbs," Jack said to his First Mate.

"Cap'n," Gibbs answered.

"We have a need to travel upriver," Jack informed him.

"Sweet!" I said.

"What's sweet?" Will asked.

"Tia," I said.

"No she's not," Jamie said.

"By need, do you mean a trifling need?" Gibbs asked worriedly. He was glancing around all suspicious of everyone who could hear him... with good reason. "A fleeting need? As in, say, a passing fancy?"

"Not quite," I said.

"No, a resolute and unyielding need," Jack answered, narrowing his eyes at Will.

"Oooh, suspicious!" I said. Gibbs gave an _eeeh, really?_ face to his captain's back.

"What we need to do is make sail for Port Royal with all haste," Will said.

"Fail," I said. "Lizzie's gonna be fine," I added.

"William, I shall trade you the compass, if you will help me to find this," Jack said, pulling out the drawering of a key from his coat.

"It's a drawering of a key!" I said explanatorily.

"You want me to find this," Will said disbelievingly. After all, it was just a fail drawering of a key. Well, it was fail, but it was so fail it was fail. Like retro things are cool. Got it? 'Cause I don't.

"No, you want you to find this, because the finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and/or locating in your discovering the detecting of a way to save you dolly belle, ol' what's-her-face. Savvy?" Will looked at Jack like _Your logic makes no sense_. Which, I must say, it didn't. It might have if incapacitorially was a word.

"Elizabeth?" Jamie asked.

"Yup," I said.

"What happened to her?" she asked.

"Weren't you paying attention three seconds ago? Prison!"

"Oh right," she said.

"This is going to save Elizabeth," Will said, shaking the cloth around.

"Be careful!" I said. "You might rip it." Jamie rolled her eyes.

"How much do you know about Davy Jones?"

"A whole heck of a lot more than any of you do right now," I said.

"Not much," Will admitted.

"Yeah," Jack said. "It's gonna save Elizabeth."

"Wonderful, we have to save her _again_?" Jamie moaned. "What is with her and getting into predicaments?"

"That's a good word," I said, referring to "predicaments". "It's not that she gets into predicaments, it's that the Whelp always has to get her out of them." Will glared at me, but Jamie laughed.

"True."

**A/N: Hahaha okay, the part where Will is threatening Jack for the compass? He makes the strangest faces. He's all **_**Yay I finally get to threaten something**_** and then all **_**Waaaaaah my baby is in danger**_**. Those are the honest-to-goddess interpretations of those faces. I swear. Thank you Orly. XD**

**Enjoy. We shall be visiting Tia soon, who knows maybe a little too much for my liking about me. We shall see, shan't we?**

**Right. Review, please. Next part up soon. It's before 9PM so definitely tonight.**


	6. Chpt 6: A Visit to Auntie Tia

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Hello, and welcome to Chapter 6 of TTLT2. **

**I got the name of this chapter from the fact that Tia in Spanish means Aunt. So, I thought I'd make up a little more of the whole How-I-Fit-Into-Here plot. Fun, huh?**

**Also, my subtitles told me that Pintel is the fat one and Ragetti is the skinny one. I went and checked on IMDB. It was right. Which means my referring to them in TTLT is wrong. Oh well.**

**While my computer was being retarded and not playing my (friend's) pirates 2 DVD, I looked at the stats for this story. I has a reader from the Netherlands! That's surprising. The power of the internet, huh?**

**Chapter 6: A Visit to Auntie Tia (1937 words)**

Jamie and I replaced Pintel and Ragetti in the boat that also had Will and Gibbs and Marty as we rowed towards the house of Tia Dalma – or should I say Calypso? So Jamie and I ended up doing the rowing. Lucky us.

"Why is Jack afraid of the open ocean?" Will asked.

"Well, Will, that is the million-dollar question," I said. No one responded to my comment.

"Well, if you believe suck things," Gibbs began.

"Come on, you know it's true!" I interrupted.

"There's a beast that does the biding of Davy Jones."

"Davy Jr.!" I said. Gibbs actually glared at me for the first time during the whole entire boat ride. This was saying something, because he had been pretty pissed off at me because he had spent over an hour chasing Jack the Monkey all over the ship, and I had been able to just whistle him into the cage. Lucky me.

"A fearsome creature with giant tentacles that'll suction your face clean off," Gibbs went on. Jamie made a face.

"Worse than that creepy guy we met in the rum room?" Jamie asked.

"Oh, definitely. Worse than DJ, who's worse than Bootstrap." Will gave me a funny look because I'd said Bootstrap. "No one you should worry about," I lied.

"And drag an entire ship down to the crushing darkness," Gibbs continued despite our interruptions.

"The kraken!" Jamie said, literally stealing Gibbs's thunder.

"Kraken," I said, pronouncing it with "the original Scandinavian". "That was good, though," I told her. Mostly because Gibbs was now glaring at her instead of me.

"They say the stench of its breath is like..." Gibbs shuddered. "Ooh. Imagine, the last thing you know on God's green earth is roar of the kraken–"

"Kraken," I corrected.

"–and the reeking odor of a thousand rotting corpses."

"Thank you for that _pleasant_ picture," Jamie said.

"If you believe such things," Gibbs added as an after-thought.

"Which you should 'cause they're real," I added.

"And the key will spare him that?" Will asked.

"Not exactly," I said.

"Now, that's the very question Jack wants answered," Gibbs explained. "Bad enough even to go visit... her."

"Her?" Will asked, eyebrows raised.

"Aye," Gibbs answered.

"You're no help," Jamie said.

"Tia Dalma, dumbos," I said. "Gosh, Gibbs, what's your problem with her name?" He didn't answer. "Fine, be that way!" We kept rowing for a while. It got darker, and my arms got tired. We started to veer too much to the right – my side of the boat. Will, being the gentleman that he was, took over for me. My arms were buzzing when we bumped into the dock-type thing.

Jack stepped up to the ladder. "No worries, mates. Tia Dalma and I go way back. Thick as thieves. Nigh unseparable, we are. Were. Have been." I rolled my eyes. "Before."

"Make up your mind," I muttered.

"I'll watch your back," Gibbs reassured him, getting out of our boat. Will followed him, Jamie followed him, and I followed her.

"It's me front I'm worried about," Jack said. He turned and went up the ladder.

"Mind the boat," Gibbs told Will.

"Mind the boat," Will told Jamie.

"Mind the boat," Jamie told me.

"Mind the boat," I told Pintel.

"Mind the boat," Pintel told Ragetti.

"Mind the boat," Ragetti said to whoever was left.

"Mind the boat!" squawked Cotton's parrot. Jack snuck towards Tia's shack. She looked up and smiled at him.

"Jack Sparrow," she said with her great Jamaican accent.

"Tia Dalma!" he said, walking in. He stopped just before he walked into a jar full of what looked like eyeballs. Or maybe fingers.

"I always know the wind was gwine blow ya back to me one day," she said all super-flirt like. Typical Tia. She laughed, then caught sight of Will in the doorway. "You. You have a touch of destiny about you, William Turner," she said. Then she saw me behind him. "And you, you have a touch of mischief." I laughed. To say the least, I thought.

"You know me?" Will asked.

"I certainly do. Both of you," I said.

"You want to know me?" Tia asked. Jack ran over and interrupted.

"There'll be no knowing here," he said, shoving a hand between them.

"There's already enough of that going on," Jamie said. I laughed.

"You don't know the half of it." I said.

"We've come for help and we're not leaving without it," Jack said. "I thought _I _knew you," he added.

"I know you better than any of these guys," I said. Jack looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Well, big-picture speaking, anyway."

"Not so well as I had hoped," Tia answered. "Come," she ordered.

"Come," Jack repeated, ushering us over.

"What service may I do you?" she asked Will. He gave her a look like _Would ya STOP rubbing my face? I got a fiancée!_. "You know I demand payment," she shot at Jack.

"I know!" I said. "I thought of this brilliant one."

"I brought payment," Jack smiled. He whistled, and Pintel brought Jack the Monkey over. "Look!" he said, and then he shot Jack.

"An undead monkey!" I said.

"Top that," Jack finished, putting the cage on the table. Tia promptly opened it.

"No!" Gibbs said reflexively. "You've no idea how long it took us to catch that." I sniggered.

"The payment is fair," Tia decided.

"We're looking for this," Will said, taking out the drawering of a key. Tia looked at it and froze for a second. "And what it goes to."

"The compass you barter from me, it cannot lead you to this?" she asked Jack. I narrowed my eyes at her. She had no right to avoid something like this! Okay, maybe she did... but still!

"Maybe," Jack answered. "Why?"

"I hear you," Tia said with a cat-like smile. "Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants."

"I know what I want!" I said. "I think."

"Or, do you know, but are loath to claim it as your own?"

"The second," I said.

"I guessed as much," Jamie commented. "He _always_ knows what he wants. He wouldn't be _here_ if he didn't know what he wants."

"Exactly!"

"Your key go to a chest," Tia said. "And is what lay inside the chest you seek, don't it?" Tia asked.

"What is inside?" Gibbs wanted to know.

"Gold?" Pintel asked. "Jewels? Unclaimed properties of a valuable nature?"

"Nothing _bad_, I hope," Ragetti said, staring at a glass jar full of eyes.

"You know of Davy Jones, yes?" Tia asked. "A man of the sea."

"To say the least," I said.

"Shush, she's telling a story," Jamie said.

"A great sailor, until he run afoul of that which vex all men." Meanwhile, instead of listening to the story, Jack was pilfering stuff from Tia.

"What vexes all men?" Will asked.

"You're a man, aren't you?" Jamie asked. Will didn't answer.

"Eunuchy Yummy," I whispered to her. She laughed.

"What, indeed?" Tia said.

"Well, the sea," Gibbs said.

"Sums," Pintel said with the best blank face ever. It was a facepalm moment.

"The dichotomy of good and evil," Ragetti said. Gibbs and Pintel looked at him funny.

"Nah, that's all people in general. This one's specific to men. Well, most men. Some women," I said. Jamie looked sideways at me. "Wait, this is homophobia-land. I forgotst." Jamie raised her eyebrows.

"No, you dolts, a woman."

"A woman," Tia confirmed. "He fell in love."

"No, no, no, no," Gibbs said. "I hear it was the _sea_ he fell in love with."

"Same story, different versions, and all are _true,_" Tia said.

"Cause she _was_ the sea," I explained. Tia gave me half a look. "So to speak," I quickly rectified.

"See, it was a woman as changing and harsh and untamable as the sea," Tia explained for those dolts.

"Hmm, that sounds familiar," I mused sarcastically.

"Him never stop loving her," she said with a shake of her head. "But the pain it cause him was too much to live with, but not enough to cause him to die."

"What, exactly, did he put into the chest?" Will asked uncomfortably. It was starting to sound a little familiar.

"Him heart," Tia said, putting a hand over her own.

"Literally or figuratively?" Ragetti asked.

"He couldn't _literally_ put his heart in a chest," Pintel said. "Could he?"

"Why not?" I said. "I mean, come on, we're gonna sail upside down in green-land, so, why not?"

"Lucy, Greenland is an icy continent in the Arctic Ocean. It is not a place where one could said," Jamie said.

"Well, lookie here, _someone_ paid attention in geography class," I said.

"It was not worth feeling what small, fleeting joy life brings," Tia told the trio of boys. "And so, him carve out him heart, and lock it away in a chest, and hide the chest from the world."

"Well, if this place wasn't creepy enough, that sure was a creepy image," Jamie said.

"It's not creepy," I said. "It's really awesome!"

"The key he keep with him at all times," Tia finished. Will stood up and almost got smacked in the face with a glass bottle that was rocking in between his face and Jack's.

"You knew this," he accused Jack.

"I did not," Jack said. "I didn't know where the key was, but now we do. So all that's left is to climb aboard the _Flying Dutchman_, grab the key, and you go back to Port Royal and save you bonny lass, eh?"

"Assuming no complications arise," I said.

"Which they will, knowing this lot," Jamie said.

"To say the least," I said. "Those are like, step one of about twenty."

"If you say so, fortune-teller-from-the-future," Jamie answered.

"A fortune-teller, eh, child?" Tia asked, turning to me. "What do ya see on my horizon?" I gulped. But, after all, this was _Tia_.

"An unexpected windfall," I answered, unintentionally using the "typical fortune-teller response". "You'll get what's yours back." She smiled suddenly.

"We'll see if I do," she said. She turned to Jack, who was trying to leave. "Let me see your hand," she commanded. Jack extended his right, then gave her his left after Tia glared at him. She unwrapped the cloth on it.

"The Black Spot!" Gibbs gasped. He did the whole clean-me-of-the-Black-Spot-dirtiness routine. Pintel and Ragetti followed. Jamie and I rolled our eyes as Tia disappeared into the back of her shack.

"My eyesight's as good as ever, just so you know!" Jack said.

"With or without your contacts?" I asked.

"What?" he asked.

"Never mind," I said. Jack reached down and plucked a rink off the table that had been next to a necklace. I reached out to touch it. Tia returned and caught me looking at it.

"Davy Jones cannot make port, cannot step on land but once every ten years," she said to Jack. "Land is where you are safe, Jack Sparrow, and so you will carry land with you." She handed him the infamous Jar o' Dirt. He took it cautiously.

"Dirt," he said. "This is a jar of dirt."

"No, it's a Jar _o'_ Dirt!" I said.

"Yes," said Tia.

"Is the jar of dirt going to help?"

"In the long run? Not really," I said.

"If you don't want it, give it back," said Tia.

"No," said Jack, protectively hugging the jar to his chest.

"Then it helps," Tia said.

"It seems we have a need to find the _Flying Dutchman_," Will said. Tia nodded. She sat down.

"A touch of destiny," she said, rolling the crab claws.

"And mischief!" I added.

**A/N: Hahaha, I love messing with Tia. I have a reason to call her Auntie Tia, too, even tho I never did. I'll probably refer to that later on, at some point when I've **_**really**_** messed with the plot... ahem...**

**You know the drill! Leave me a review and I shall leave you a cookie. Or at least another part.**


	7. Chpt 7: Fortunately but Unfortunately

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Good morning, starshine, the Earth says hello!**

**Haha, and you thought I'd be out of hellos by now. Not quite! Maybe next chapter... XD We'll see.**

**My chapters seem to be getting longer and longer by the chapter... Hopefully, this one'll undo the overly-long chapter length. Because nearly 2000 words for a chapter of a crack!fic is too many. XD I'm going to try to average around 1500, only because that seems within the reasonable realm. The problem is that there's so much dialogue and action and stuff I wanna say... xD oh well.**

**One time, I went on this trip with my mom and her friend and her friend's daughter who's four years older than me or so, and it **_**actually**_** turned out as a fortunately but unfortunately story. I have it written down somewhere...**

**I DARE YOU TO ENJOY DJ!**

**Chapter 7: Fortunately but Unfortunately, Pirates Style (1542 words)**

Fortunately, Tia told us exactly where the _Flying Dutchman_ was.

Unfortunately, she left out the little detail that it would be exceedingly annoying to get there. In fact, it took the better part of the next day and into a ridiculously stormy night to find the dumb half-sunken ship. At least we did.

* * *

"_That's_ the _Flying Dutchman_," Will yelled over the roar of the rain.

"Yup," lied Jamie.

"He's been on it before," I said, pointing to Jack. The comment was neither here nor there in the scheme of things. He _had_ actually been on the _Flying Dutchman_. The real one, of course. Not whatever ship was sinking over there.

"She doesn't look like much," Will noted. Brilliant observation, I thought. I was trying to keep my comments mostly to myself. One because that would explain to will that no, that ship that had "run afoul of a reef" was _not_ the _Flying Dutchman_. Two because I didn't feel like yelling myself hoarse about something meaningless before we even got to Tortuga.

"Neither do you," said Jack.

"Yeah, really, I don't see what Lizzie sees in you." Will turned and glared at her.

"Do _not_ underestimate her," Jack and I said together because I was a little slow on the uptake, or I would have beaten him to it. Jack looked at Gibbs.

"Musta run afoul of the reef," Jamie said before he could.

"So, what's your plan, then?" Jack asked Will. He looked back over to the ship.

"I row over, search the ship until I find you bloody key."

"And if there are crewmen?" Jack asked.

"I cut down anyone in my path."

"What about mutant half-creature beast-men that can't die?" I asked. Will stared at me. "Just wondering!"

"I cut down anyone in my path," he repeated, and left.

"I like it," commented Jack. "Simple, easy to remember."

"Completely insane and never going to work," commented Jamie.

"You're both true," I said.

Gibbs said nothing, his one purpose totally wasted.

Ragetti readied a longboat for the Hero-Whelp. "Your chariot awaits you, sire!" he cackled. I laughed. Jack leaned over the railing.

"Oi! Whelp!" I called. Will looked up, and Jamie and I cracked up laughing.

"If you _do_ happen to get captured," Jack yelled down; "just say Jack Sparrow sent you to settle his debt. Might save your life."

"But ruin your after-life!" I said brightly, but not loud enough for Will to hear me.

"Bon voyage!" Ragetti called, pushing Will apart from the _Pearl_.

"Douse the lamps," Jack order. I slipped across the deck and put out a lamp by crashing into it and miraculously not setting the ship on fire.

"You are exceedingly clumsy," Jamie told me.

"I know!" I said brightly. "Let's watch the Whelp try to be a hero!" I suggested.

"Alright," Jamie said.

* * *

Fortunately, Will approached the "_Flying Dutchman_" without incident.

Unfortunately, the ship was more than half submerged by the time he did.

Fortunately, there was a half-drowned half-dead sailor trying to save the ship.

Unfortunately, the Whelp learned that this ship might _not_ be the _Flying Dutchman_.

Fortunately, the _Dutchman_ surfaced a little later.

Unfortunately, that meant the _Dutchman_ was coming for the crew of the ship.

Fortunately, Will had an opportunity to act like a hero.

Unfortunately, it failed.

Fortunately, Will had an excuse to be "neither dead nor dying".

Unfortunately, it wasn't a good one.

* * *

We were watching the events happening on the happening on the half-sunken ship (well, Jack was the only one who could see anything with that spyglass of his) when all of a sudden, Davy Jones appeared on the _Pearl_.

"Holy fucking shit, it's DJ!" I said. He was... creepy, to say the least. The tentacles, in real life, were so much more terrifying. The accent, which I had once gotten close to impersonating by having a piece of cantaloupe in my cheek (don't ask) was much scarier. And his crew? They came up from behind and pointed scary swords at us. I happen to be nearly beheaded by an oddly coral-like one.

"Are you Palafico?" I asked. No response from my sword-wielding captor. "Well, if you are, you should totally just go tell Bibsy you love her. That would make life _so_ much easier, you can't imagine." Still no response. "Fine! Don't believe me! But I'm a fortune-teller from the future, so you should!"

Jack looked around at his crew being taken hostage. "Oh," he said to Davy.

"You have a debt to pay," DJ said, stomping across the deck. "You been captain of the _Black Pearl_ for thirteen years. That was our agreement."

"Technically, I was only captain for _two_ years, then I was viciously mutinied upon."

"Then you were a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless."

"Told you so!" I said. Jack glared at me. Jamie, standing next to me, smacked me in the back of the head. DJ smiled at me. All of these things combined to turn me into a silent, embarrassed pile of mushy Lucy-guts.

"Have you not introduced yourself all these years as _Captain_ Jack Sparrow?"

"True," I whispered so quietly I could barely hear me. The creepy _Dutchman_ crew laughed.

"You have my payment," Jack said. "One soul to serve on your ship. He's already over there."

"One soul is not equal to another," DJ said. He was mad at being cheated by the best trickster of all, other than the sea.

"Ahah!" Jack said. "So we've established my proposal is sound in principle. Now we're just haggling over price."

"Price?" DJ wondered. He popped his lack-of-a-nose.

"Just how many souls do you think my soul is worth?" Jack asked.

"One hundred souls," DJ said after a moment's thought. "Three days."

"He's not saying that to flatter you, Jack!" I called out. Stupidly.

"You're a darling, mate," Jack said. "Send me back the boy, and I'll get started right off."

"It's not going to work!" I said – interrupted, more like – as Jack turned around and ran right into that hammer-headed crewman.

"I keep the boy – a good faith payment," DJ said. "That leaves you only ninety-nine more to go."

"Here, take this one too!" Jamie offered jokingly, nudging me forward. DJ's crew laughed.

"You don't want me," I said. "I'm completely useless at sailing. I can't navigate for my life. I don't know up from down on a map, and I get seasick over everything. I'm too weak for my own good. I'm completely insane and also incredibly annoying. Even more so than Bibsy because I'd cry at just about everything. And I ramble. Especially when I'm scared, like right now. Some should really–" Jamie cut me off by putting her hands around my mouth.

"I wasn't _serious_," she said.

"Yeah, but this is DJ, you can't joke around him," I tried to say through her fingers, but it came out as an incomprehensible mumble.

"Have you not met Will Turner?" Jack asked, trying to negotiate the Whelp out of DJ's crew.

"It's not going to work!" I mumbled through Jamie's hands. That too failed.

"He's noble, heroic–"

"A terrific soprano!" Jamie interjected while preventing me from talking.

"–worth at least four."

"Maybe three and a half," Jamie commented.

"And did I happen to mention," Jack said, slowing down to let the words take effect. Of course, there was no heart for his words to melt. "He's in love. With a girl."

"You sure about that?" Jamie asked. Palafico pointed his sword tip at her throat. "Shutting up now!" she said.

"Due to be married," Jack continued. "Betrothed. Dividing him from her and her from him would only be half as cruel as actually allowing them to be joined in holy matrimony, eh?" For a second – well, actually half of one – it looked like DJ was going to cry. Then he turned heartless (hardy har har).

"I keep the boy. Ninety-nine souls," DJ concluded. "But I wonder, Sparrow, can you live with this? Can you condemn an innocent man – a friend – to a lifetime of servitude in your name while you roam free?" Jack pretended to think about this for about an eighth of a second.

"Yep, I'm good with it. Shall we seal it in blood – I mean, er, ah... ink?" DJ's tentacle wrapped around Jack's hand. Jack gasped. The tentacle took away the Black Spot.

"Three days," DJ reminded him. He yanked off his tentacle and took his crew off the ship, who cackled as they left.

"Uh, Mister Gibbs," Jack said. Jamie _finally_ let go of my mouth.

"Ew!" I said. "How do can I trust where that hand's been?" I demanded of her. She shrugged. I sighed.

"Aye," said Gibbs, walking over to the captain.

"I feel sullied and unusual," he said.

"Same!" I said.

"And how do you intend to go about harvesting these ninety-nine souls in three days?" the First Mate asked.

"Fortunately, he was mum as to the condition in which these souls need be," Jack said, wiping his tentacle-slime on Gibbs's vest.

"Ah, Tortuga," Gibbs said.

"Tortuga," Jack agreed.

"Tortuga!" I yelled for the heck of it.

Unfortunately, said souls were hard to come by, even in Tortuga.

**A/N: Yup, had to toss it in – the shot-out to illogical squeeks. Not that she reads this or anything. I just needed it there. If you've no idea what I'm talking about, go read ****A Long Way From Home**** by illogical squeeks.**

**Hahaha, Black Spot. XD**

**You know what I'ma ask... so do it anyway!**


	8. Chpt 8: Trouble in Tortuga

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: Yeah, sorry, I'm out of witty hellos. The good news is, you have another longer part. And another part is in the making as soon as this is uploaded.**

**Yay! Chapter 8! What is it now, four days? Double-time ain't bad.**

**Chapter 8: Trouble in Tortuga (1884 words)**

Gibbs sat at a table with a handy dandy role sheet in from of him. Jack sat next to a potted plant, trying to shake his compass back into working. I sat on the edge of Gibbs's table, swinging my legs back and forth rather boredly. Jamie perched on a stool with a bottle of rum. It wasn't her first.

Finally, someone walked up to the table. I swung around to stare at him. Pretend to inspect him, more like. Jamie, next to me, actually was inspecting them. He was a crazy-looking old guy leaning on a tall wooden stick.

"And what makes you think you're worthy to crew the _Black Pearl_?" he asked.

"Truth be told, I've never sailed a day in me life. I figure I should get out and see the world while I'm still young."

"You'll do," I answered for Gibbs.

"Make your mark," he said, indicating the paper.

"Next!" I ordered. I was _so_ much better than Gibbs at this.

"My wife ran off with my dog, and I'm drunk for a month, and I don't give a ass rat's whether I live or die," the next guy said slowly.

"Perfect!" I said.

"Next," Gibbs said.

"Me have one arm and a bum leg," the next one said.

"It's the crow's nest for you," I told him.

"It's a good thing we don't actually _need_ any of these useless bums," Jamie said to me. I nodded.

"Next!" ordered Gibbs.

"Ever since I was a little lad, I've always wanted to sail the seas... forever."

"Sooner than you think," Jamie muttered.

"Sign the roster," Gibbs said, trying to take back some of the authority Jamie and I had so easily stolen from him.

"Thanks very much!" the earnest guy said.

"How are we going?" Jack asked.

"Miserably," Jamie answered.

"Including those four?" Gibbs said.

"Four," I said. Jack shook his compass extra hard. A man reeking of rum (noticeable even in the midst of the tavern) walked up next.

"And what's your story?" Gibbs asked him.

"Let me guess," I said, even though I knew it was Norrie. "You just want a change of pace."

"My story," he began. "It's exactly the same as your story, just a chapter behind."

"No, it's really not," I said. "It's _Jack_'s story a chapter behind, but a really big chapter behind, and it has a different ending." Jamie looked at me. It wasn't quite a YOUAREBLOODYINSANE look, but it was close.

"I chased a man across the seven seas," Norrie went on. Jack looked over, recognizing the voice. "The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission, and my life." He reached out and grabbed Gibbs's bottle of rum sitting on the table.

"Yeah, well, at least you met your daughter," I said. Norrie was on a role, though, so he didn't stop to respond to my interruption.

"Huh?" Jamie asked me.

"I'll explain later," I said.

"Commodore?" Gibbs asked.

"No, not anymore. Weren't you _listening_?" Norrie said.

"Not really," I answered for Gibbs. But, of course, no one was paying attention to me.

"I nearly had you all off Tripoli," Norrie went on. Jack grabbed the handy dandy potted plant right next to him. "I would have, if not for the hurricane."

"You didn't try to sail through it?" Jamie asked.

"Actually, he did," I said. "The idiot."

"So, do I make your crew or not?" Norrie demanded. Gibbs made a face like, _Well... umm..._ "You haven't said where you're going," Norrie pointed out. "Somewhere _nice_?!" he said, and knocked over the table. I fell off, but didn't get hurt because I remembered just in time. Gibbs was knocked onto the ground. Everyone gasped and moved out of the crazy man's way.

"So am I _worthy_ to serve under Captain Jack Sparrow?" Norrie asked the tavern at large. He pulled out his gun and pointed it at Jack, who was failing to sneak away behind a potted plant. "Or should I kill you now?" He cocked his gun. Jack tried to hide behind a conveniently-placed support.

"You're hired!" said Jack feebly when it failed.

"Sorry. Old habits and all that," Norrie said. Two of our new crewmen ran forward and angled his gun towards the sailing.

"Easy, sailor!" one said.

"That's our captain you're threatening!" another added.

"And my brother!" Jamie added.

"And my favorite of y'all!" I added. Regardless, Norrie's gun went off. The bullet hit the chandelier-type thing and ricocheted off, breaking someone's bottle of rum, which started a brawl. The musicians started up a lively jig. I started dancing around solo. Jamie followed her brother and Gibbs through the mess. I stood by the door and saw Elizabeth, dressed in sailor's garb, come in. "Hi, Lizzie!" I called. She noticed me. Then she noticed Norrie being insane and drunk. She unsheathed her sword and ran into the mess.

I stood off to a sort-of safe side and watched her. I had to admit, she was pretty hot with a sword. Eventually, Norrie had backed up to that support with his sword pointed at the crowd. Elizabeth stood next to him, but he didn't notice her.

"Come on, then!" he yelled. "Who wants some? Form an orderly line. I'll have you all one by one. Come on, who's first?" Lizzie rolled her eyes and took the bottle of rum out of his hand. She smashed it over his head and he collapsed. Everyone stared at her.

"I just wanted the pleasure of doing that myself!" she explained. Then, everyone cheered. I ran over and caught her arm.

"Hi, Lizzie, remember me?" She looked at me a moment. "Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, save as ever. Except I'm a little taller and I don't wear glasses anymore." She stared blankly. "The crazy fortune-teller from the future," I explained.

"Oh," she said. I find it funny that it always takes the strangest explanations for people to remember me.

"Follow me, I know where they're taking Norrie – err, James," I said. I led her to the pigsty.

"James Norrington," she said softly as she helped him out of the mud. She sighed. "What has the world done to you?"

"You don't wanna know," I answered. "We should get you cleaned up," I said to Norrie. "Come on." I found a useful barrel of rainwater. Norrie got pretty much cleaned up. Then I led the two of the back to where I knew the _Pearl_ was docked. Somehow, the drunk former-Commodore picked up another bottle of rum. I skipped ahead once we were in the general vicinity, so I ran into Jack before the others did.

"Jack, I've got another crew... person for you," I said. I had purposefully been careful about the word man, but he more or less paid me no heed. Jamie walked down the gangplank at that moment and hung around with me.

"Captain Sparrow?" Lizzie called.

"Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard," Jack answered.

"More like lass," I muttered.

"I'm here to find the man I love," Lizzie answered. Jack stopped and made a face.

"Well, I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea," he said, motioning to Gibbs to toss her overboard. Norrie leaned over a barrel and spit out the rum that was in his mouth.

"Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow," she explained. Jamie and I laughed. Jack turned around.

"Elizabeth," he said, surprised.

"Hey, Lizzie," Jamie called. Lizzie nodded in her direction.

"Hide the rum," Jack whispered to Gibbs, turning back to him. "You know, these clothes do not flatter you at all."

"I disagree," I said.

"Ditto," Jamie said. I looked at her. "It means same here," she said like I was slow.

"I know. I didn't know that you knew it.

"It should be a dress or nothing," Jack went on. "I happen to have no dress in my cabin."

"Ha, ha, very funny, Jack," I said.

"Jack," Lizzie said exasperatedly. "I know Will came to find you," she went on. "Where is he?" Jack sighed.

"Darling, I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this, but–"

"Through an unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances that have nothing whatsoever to do with our friend Jack here," I went on.

"Poor Will has been press-ganged into Davy Jones's crew," Jamie said.

"Davy Jones?" Lizzie asked incredulously.

"Yup," I said. Norrie did something that sounding a lot more like puking than the last time.

"Oh, please. The captain of the _Flying Dutchman_?" he asked.

"You look bloody awful. What are you doing here?" Jack asked.

"And that's the cleaned-up version," I said.

"You hired me," Norrie said. "I can't help it if your standards are lax."

"You smell funny!" Jack protested like a three-year-old.

"So do you!" Jamie said.

"Jack," Lizzie reprimanded in an amazing Mother-fed-up-with-her-three-year-old voice. "All I want is to find Will," she said.

"Desperate, much?" I said. Jack looked annoyed. Then he had a Bright Idea.

"Are you certain? Is that what you _really_ want most?"

"Of course," Lizzie said, thinking herself all innocent.

"Because I would think you'd want to find a way to _save_ Will most."

"And you'd have a way of doing that?" Lizzie wanted to know.

"His broken compass," I said.

"Well," Jack said. "There is a chest."

"Oh, dear," Norrie said. I honestly couldn't blame him.

"A chest of unknown size and origin," Jack went on.

"What contains the still-beating heart of Davy Jones," Jamie said. I mimed taking out my heart and holding it in my hand, with its beating.

"And whoever possesses that chest possesses the leverage to command Jones to do whatever it is he or she wants," Jack continued. "Including save brave William from his grim fate." Norrie butted in.

"You don't _actually_ believe him, do you?" he asked.

"You should," I said to Norrie. "He's telling the truth."

"And she's a fortune-teller from the future," Jamie added to secure my credibility. Norrie rolled his eyes.

"How would we find it?" Lizzie asked.

"Like I said before, his broken compass," I said.

"With this," Jack said, holding up his compass. "My compass... is unique."

"'Unique' here having the meaning of 'broken'," Norrie interrupted. Jack was about to argue but then he changed his mind.

"True enough, this compass does not point north." Norrie leaned over and vomited again.

"Where does it point?" Lizzie asked.

"Tortuga," I whispered to Jamie. She laughed.

"It points to the thing you want most in this world," Jack said. Lizzie shook her head disbelievingly.

"Oh, Jack," she laughed.

"Seriously!" I said.

"Are you telling the truth?" Lizzie asked.

"Every word, love," Jack answered. "And what you want most in this world is to find the chest of Davy Jones, is it not?" Jack handed over the compass.

"To save Will!" she protested.

"By finding the chest of Davy Jones," Jack repeated.

"And for the glory and power," I muttered.

"What?" Jamie asked.

"Never mind," I said. We all stared at the compass's needle as it spun around. Finally it stopped.

"Mister Gibbs," Jack called. "We have our heading."

"_Finally_," Gibbs said. "Cast off those lines!" he ordered. "Weigh anchor and crowd that canvas!" Jamie and I scampered onto the ship.

"Ready for our adventure to _really_ begin?" I asked.

"Of course!" she answered.

**A/N: Woot. Well... I don't really have anything to say. I don't have anything that needs explaining or something. I'm about to start **_**really**_** messing with the plot. Unintentionally, of course, but that's what'll end up happening. Knowing me. XD**

**Review! Please?**


	9. Chpt 9: Mischief on the Pearl

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: I'm excited. I'm really moving through this, and I'm getting closer to my sub-plot. (Oh know!) You might actually see some of it this time!**

**Chapter 9: Mischief on the **_**Pearl**_** (1405 words)**

I was sitting on one of railings and trying my hardest not to fall into the ocean. The new crew was in the midst of swabbing the decks, a dumb job I had always managed to negotiate my way out of. It was funny to see the completely ruined former Commodore doing such grunt work, though.

Lizzie showed the letters of marquee to Jack. I jumped up and ran over just as Jamie (instead of Gibbs) accused Will of being a double-agent. Gibbs was standing there too, he just wasn't accusing Will. "The Whelp was working for Beckett the whole time!" she said. Lizzie gave her a look like either _Don't call my fiancé a whelp!_ or _What are you accusing my fiancé of?_

"Beckett wants the compass, and there's only one reason for that," Gibbs said as I reached them.

"Of course," Jack said, staring blankly. "He wants the chest."

"Yes, he did say something about a chest," Lizzie said obliviously.

"If the Company controls the chest, they controls the sea," I said.

"A truly discomforting notion, love," Jack added.

"And bad. Bad for every mother's son what calls himself pirate," Gibbs said.

"And daughter," I added.

"Agreed," Jamie said.

"I think there's a bit more speed to be coaxed from these sails," Gibbs said. He walked off. "Brace the foreyard!" Lizzie turned to walk away and almost ran into Jack.

"Might I inquire as to how you came by these?" he asked. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm leaving," I said to Jamie. "I have no need to watch them flirt." She raised her eyebrows. "You don't believe me, watch them!" I walked over to the other side of the ship. Jamie followed me after a few seconds.

"They are kind of sickening," she agreed.

"Considering he's, what, fourteen years older than her?"

"Something like that," she said. Lizzie stalked off, away from Jack. Norrie walked over to her a little later.

"Now look, Norrie's going to go prove it to her," I said. Jamie laughed. We sat and watched them. When Norrie walked away, she consulted her – Jack's – compass. She looked like she was going to cry, and almost ran belowdecks. I started after her, but Jamie grabbed the back of my shirt and stopped me.

"Let her cry it out herself," she said. I sighed. I felt so bad knowing that she was falling apart. However, I needn't have bothered. After not too much time, she came back out into the sun. She sat down on one of the steps to the quarterdeck and stared into space huffily. Jamie and I were still sitting on the railing on the other side of the ship. We sort-of watched them.

"Is he _kissing_ her?" Jamie wondered.

"I hope not," I said. I looked at them. "They're not _supposed_ to."

"Supposed to?"

"I'm a fortune-teller, remember?" I looked closer. "No, I think they're just centimeters from it." They turned sideways. "See?" Jack reached out and brushed Lizzie's hair out of her face.

"It sure _looks_ like are." But Jack _did_ notice the Black Spot growing on his hand first. He closed his fist and managed to completely forget about what he was about to do a second ago for a full second. I swung my upper body around, and sure enough, I could see land.

"Land ho!" I yelled, to interrupt. The crew, including Lizzie, ran over to my and Jamie's railing. There, in the distance, was Isla Cruces.

* * *

Jamie and I once again replaced Pintel and Ragetti in the rowboat that went to land. The thing was, I didn't feel like rowing, so I made Norrie take that job. That way, also, we reached land much faster. "Guard the boat. Mind the tide. Don't touch my dirt," Jack ordered.

"Who's he talking to?" I asked Jamie. "We're both coming along." She shrugged. I found a handy dandy... giant crab. A big white crab. I stared at it. "Keep the boat safe!" I ordered it, then plopped it in.

Lizzie had already started leading the others across the island. "Wait for me!" I yelled, and ran after them. When we came to a rise that I recognized, I stopped. So did Jamie and Jack and Norrie, who was carrying two shovels.

Lizzie paced back and forth in the same ten feet actually near twenty times. Then, _finally_, she sat down. "This doesn't work," she said, talking about the compass, which she put on the sand in front of her. "And it _certainly_ doesn't show you what you want most."

"Will's coming from that general direction," I said, pointing roughly behind Jack. Jack walked over and stared down at it.

"Yes, it does," he said. "You're sitting on it."

"Beg pardon?" Lizzie said.

"You're sitting on it! As in, it is underneath your bum!" I explained.

"Move," Jack ordered less nicely, shoeing her away. He then whistled to handy dandy Norrie to dig here. Norrie was kind of annoyed at be addressed as one would address a dog, but he dug anyway.

I lay down on my back. Jamie lay on her back next to me. "Whacha doin?" she asked.

"Trying to look for shapes in the clouds," I said.

"What clouds?" she asked.

"Hence the 'trying' part."

"Oh," she said. "That's boring."

"Yeah, but our only other options are to make like your brother and meditate or make like Lizzie and worry or something."

"Yeah, no thanks," she said.

"Exactly," I said. Eventually, Norrie's sword banged on something. Jack opened his eyes. Jamie and I jumped up. All four of us walked over to the edge of Norrie's handiwork, and then all five of us peered into the hole. The wind was blowing my hair into my face and making it annoying to look down, but I saw a huge, sandy chest. Jack and Norrie reached down and heaved the thing up by the handles on its sides. Then, Jack used a shovel to break the lock.

Inside the chest where what I could only guess were love letters. Some were tied together with strange things, like a rope of seashells. Lizzie looked at them closer, but Jack went straight for the prize. He pulled out the smaller, black chest with the cool engraving. All five of us leaned forward and put our ears next to it.

"It's real," Lizzie said.

"You actually _were_ telling the truth," Norrie said, totally shocked.

"I do that quite a lot," Jack said.

"Yet people are always surprised," Jamie added.

"With good reason," finished Will, who had just walked up. Lizzie looked up.

"Will!" she said and ran over. "You're alright! Thank God! I came to find you!" She embraced him, and then kissed him. Jack and Norrie had similar _Damn I lost the girl_ looks.

"How did you get here?" Jamie interrupted after a minute.

"Sea turtles, mate," he said with a nod in Jack's direction. "A pair of them, strapped to my feet."

"It's not so easy, is it?" Jack said.

"But I do owe you thanks, Jack," Will said.

"You do?" Jack asked.

"After you tricked me onto that ship to square your debt with Jones–"

"What?" Lizzie asked.

"What?" Jack imitated.

"What?" I added, just to be annoying and because I could.

"–I was reunited with my father," Will said.

"Oh, well," Jack said to Will. "You're welcome, then."

"Blah, family reunion, yay," I said boredly.

"I wish _I_ could be reunited with my father," Jamie said. "More like _united_, actually."

"You will," I said.

"Everything you said to me, every word was a lie!" Lizzie accused Jack. Unsurprisingly, he was fine with it.

"Pretty much," he said. "Time and tide, love." Will kneeled down in front of the chest and took out the knife Bootstrap had given him.

"Oi!" said Jamie. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to kill Jones," Will answered.

"You don't want to be doing that, mate," I warned. Jack was a little more threatening. He pulled out his sword and pointed it at Will.

"Can't let you do that, William," he said. Will looked over to see the blade tip in his face. "'Cause if Jones is dead, who's the call his terrible beastie off the hunt, eh?" Lizzie looked, shocked, between the two of them.

"Well, we _could_ just kill it," Jamie pointed out.

"Yes, but that would make too much sense," I said.

**A/N: Yup, I'm breaking in the middle of a part. Why? Because I can. Because otherwise, this part would be exceedingly ridiculous, savvy?**

**Yeah, I'm not even going to bother asking for reviews. I know people are reading this, tho! I'm onto you! XD**


	10. Chpt 10: Mischief on Isla Cruces

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: So, in other news, how much mess do you think the simple act of replacing Pintel and Ragetti in the rowboat with me and Jamie is going to cause? Not much? We'll see, eh?**

**Chapter 10: Mischief on Isla Cruces (1371 words)**

"Now, if you please," Jack said to Will, extending his hand. "The key." Will looked like he was about to give in. Then he stole Lizzie's sword.

"I keep the promises I make, Jake," he said, pointing his sword at Jack. "I intend to free my father. I hope you're here to see it."

"I can't let you do that, either," Norrie said, brandishing _his_ sword. "So sorry."

"I knew you'd warm up to me eventually," Jack said to Norrie friendly. Only Norrie then turned and pointed his sword at Jack. Will moved to Norrie. Jack was the only one who wasn't pointing to anyone, so he pointed at the only safe person: Will.

"Lord Beckett desires the contents of that chest," Norrie explained. "I deliver it; I get my life back."

"Not quite, but you can think that, sure," I said.

"Ah, the dark side of ambition," Jack said.

"Oh, I prefer to think of it as the promise of redemption," Norrie said with a manic smile. Jamie snorted. Norrie stepped forward, starting the fight. Lizzie gasped, then tried to get them to stop fighting.

"Stop it!" she yelled a couple times. When Will got kicked in the chest, she ran over to him. "Will!"

"Guard the chest," he ordered.

"No!" she screamed. "This is barbaric! This is no way for grown men to settle – Oh, fine! Let's just _haul_ out our swords and go banging away at each other. That will solve everything!"

"Actually..." I began, but didn't bother to finish.

"I've had it!" Lizzie went on. "I've had it with wobbly-legged, rum-soaked _pirates_!"

"You are one yourself," Jamie pointed out.

"Too true," I agreed. "Now, let's grab the chest while we can." Jamie nodded, and we each took a side and ran off.

"Enough!" Lizzie yelled. Then she tried her fainting technique. "Oh. Oh, the heat!"

"Sorry, Lizzie, that's not going to work. No one's making you wear a corset anymore," I called as Jamie and I headed off with the prize. "Head to the woods!" I called to her. "The guys will end up there eventually, and we can pilfer the key from them then!"

It was actually a pretty long run to the woods. It took a while because we were running on sand through about three inches of water most of the time. We were running through the woods perfectly contently once we got to them. Then, all of a sudden, Lizzie showed up in front of us. She reached for her sword... but Will had it. Jamie and I laughed.

"Nice one, Lizzie," I said. Jamie unsheathed her sword. Then, the giant wooden wheel with the guys on it came rolling by. "Get the key!" I yelled to Jamie. "It's hanging on a hook somewhere on the inside!" She nodded, and ran over to it. I sat down on the chest so that Lizzie couldn't steal it and so that I could watch. Jamie stole the key without much incident, and ran back over. As she did, Jack ran for the wheel.

"Got it!" Jamie said proudly.

"Okay, now this is gross but cool; you don't have to watch," I said to Lizzie. I knew Jamie wouldn't care. "Key," I requested. She handed it to me, and I put it in. The locks unlocked ominously. The wierd square pins in the top that never made any sense to me popped out. Cue dramatic music, I thought, and opened the chest.

I stared at it. It was a heart. We hadn't even gotten to doing a pig dissection in bio class yet, so I was prepared for the... goriness of it.

It was a frickin' beating heart!

Jamie and I stared at it. I marveled at the barnacles growing on it. (Had they grown before or after DJ'd cut it out? Either way, how did they get there?) It was a wierd, off-pink color. I would have expected it to be a darker red. Then again, this _was_ DJ's heart we were talking about.

Even though it was absolutely, positively disgusting, I reach out and touched it. It felt sort of like a snake. It was the sliminess of one, anyway. However, it was wetter. I didn't want to know what it was wet with – blood, or DJ gut-slime, or just plain old sea water (but would that hurt? the salt and all? not to _mention_ that the sea is like... the sea... and directly under the control of the Sea Goddess...).

I picked up the heart and put in a cloth bag I had remembered to bring. Then I shoved said bag into my pocket.

All of a sudden, Jack noticed something.

"THE BLOODY KEY'S MISSING!" he yelled. This, of course, reminded Will and Norrie about that key.

"YOU LOST THE KEY?!?" Will yelled.

"HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT _ARE_ YOU, SPARROW?" Norrie yelled. I quickly shut the chest.

"Jamie, you might want to go help your brother _live_ through this adventure," I said. She looked at me, at the chest, and at her brother. Then he ran off to aid in his not dying. Lizzie looked at me. "Help me carry this, would you?" She hesitated for half a second, then we each picked up a handle and ran. _Fast._

We only beat the creep-os because we had a head start. Of course, that meant that Lizzie wouldn't get to do any of her awesome sword-wielding tricks. Of course, _that_ meant that _I_ wouldn't be forced to be eaten by the creep-os because I wouldn't be _able_ to any of said awesome sword-wielding tricks. Good.

Ish.

I may have gotten Jack Sparrow accidentally killed by two characters I happened to really like in the process.

Suddenly, Jamie appeared running alongside Lizzie and I. "Lucy! I need the heart!"

"I need the heart!" I said.

"Will needs the heart!" Lizzie said.

"What do you need the heart for?" Jamie asked.

"Why should we give _Will_ the heart?" I asked Lizzie.

"He made a promise!" Lizzie protested.

"He's just going to kill Jones!" Jamie replied. I turned to Jamie.

"Norrie needs the heart!" I explained.

"_Jack_ needs the heart!" She said.

"Will needs the heart!" Lizzie interjected.

"I could use a second heart," I joked. My heart _was_ pounding from the running.

"Give me the heart!" Jamie said.

"Make me!" I said. She unsheathed her sword.

"Kill him!" Lizzie yelled. Jamie and I looked where she was looking. A member of DJ's crew was almost upon us. Jamie stabbed him, then quickly yanked her sword out.

"Give me the heart!" Jamie yelled to me. Then Jack appeared.

"Give _me_ the heart!" I looked at him. I looked at the wheel with the other two on it. They were back to fighting each other. I sighed and put down the chest. I tossed the heart to him.

"Use your dirt," I told him. He ran off towards our little boat.

"WHAT?!?" Jamie yelled. "I WAS GOING TO GIVE IT TO HIM!"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled.

"Guys?" Lizzie interrupted. She whined, reminding me of when she was whining to Will about the Kraken getting nearer. Jamie and I turned around. There were some crew-creatures very, very close to us.

"RUN!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, forgetting to pick back up the chest. Jamie got the handle that I didn't. Somehow, I managed to get back the energy to return to the boat. Jack was already there, fighting one of the crewmen. I somehow managed not to get any crewmen to follow me over to the boat. Sheer luck, or did they just _know_ I was that useless?

The wheel came rolling through the crowd of semi-dead crew. I watched it, and I laughed at Will's... noble attempt to go help Lizzie. He fell over. Three times. It was as close to drunk as I thought I'd ever see him.

I glanced down into the little boat. I duck in Jack's jar of dirt until I found the heart. Well, the bag that contained the heart. Meanwhile, Norrie came over and dug in Jack's coat for the letters of marquee.

"You'll want some leverage," I said to him, holding out the bag with the heart.

**A/N: Well. Sorry for the long wait, but I have whatever the equivalent of writer's block is when you have a script in front of you. Lack of inspiration? Yeah, I dunno what exactly it was. Anyway, now I have a new chapter.**

**And yes. I messed with the plot. On purpose. Well, Lucy Turnenbaumerumm didn't do it on purpose, per se, but I wrote her doing it wrong on purpose. Does that make sense at least?**

**Review. Please? **


	11. Chpt 11: Running Towards Trouble

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: I have (with Jamie's help, of course) now **_**officially**_** screwed with the plot. What does that mean? *cackles* You'll see soon enough. Not in this chapter, though, I believe.**

**Chapter 11: Running... Towards Trouble (1179 words)**

Will approached the boat. He noticed the chest, with the key still in it. He looked at me. I gave him by best innocent look – which probably failed miserably. He walked over, looking like he didn't believe that the heart wasn't actually in the chest.

I picked up an oar and smacked him in the back of the head with it. "_That's_ for having bad aim with an oar," I said. Lizzie happened to notice.

"Will!" she screeched.

"Leave him lie," I ordered. "Unless you plan on using him to hit something with."

"We're not getting out of this," Lizzie said in her turning-into-the-Pirate-King gravelly voice.

"Not with the chest," Norrie agreed. "Into the boat." I hoped into the boat. The other three looked at him like... well, let's just say they gave him a YOUAREBLOODYINSANE_AND_SUICIDAL look. I passed him the chest.

"You're mad!" Lizzie said.

"Hey! I'm the insane one!" I protested. Admittedly, I wasn't the one running straight into a pile of half-dead totally-deadly monster-creatures.

"Don't wait for me," Norrie said, and ran off with the chest. The other three stared after him.

"I say we respect his final wish," Jack said.

"Not quite final," I muttered.

"Aye!" Everyone else yelled, shoving their things in the boat anyway.

* * *

When we got to the boat, Lizzie freaked out over Will. Jack acted like king of the world and held protectively onto his Jar o' Dirt. Jamie stalked off, obviously still annoyed with me. I went below to the cabin I shared with Lizzie and Jamie. I collected everything I felt any sort of attachment to. That consisted of: a bandana which I'd stolen from Jamie the day before (she didn't wear it anyway and my scalp was burning along my part line), six _real_ pieces of eight I'd won in various bets between me and Ragetti, a piece of cloth that Jack had signed for me (the _least_ I could do would be to sell it on eBay for like a trillion dollars when I got home... _if_ I decided to part with it, that is), and a pistol Jamie had taught me to use. I tied the bandana on my head. Then, I carefully folded up the cloth (to protect its value) before shoving it and my pieces of eight into a boot. I shook my feet around until the pieces of eight were under the arches of my feet (there were three in each boot to be fair). It felt wierd, but a lot better than knowing I had absolutely _no_ money to my name.

If I were to end up stranded or something.

I shoved my new (well, to me anyway) pistol into the same belt that buckled my sword to my hip. Then I ran up onto the deck, where there was a huge flurry of movement.

"Where's the commodore?" Gibbs was asking the captain when I arrived.

"Fell behind," I answered.

"My prayers be with him," he answered, for a moment looking sorry. "Best not wallow in our grief." I glared at him.

"I happened to like Norrie, thank you very much."

"Didn't you call him Annoyington the last time we ran into him?" Jamie piped up. I glared at her.

"Nobody asked you," I said.

"The bright side is, you're back and made it off free and clear," Gibbs said to the captain.

"Not exactly," I said, running up the steps behind him, completely in cue with the Dutchman's arrival.

"Holy shit," Jamie said, staring at the ridiculous ship.

"That's one motherfucker of a bitchin' ship," I agreed.

"Lord on high, deliver us," Gibbs said, crossing his chest.

"More like former-Commodore on low," I muttered.

"What was that about the former Commodore?" Jamie asked.

"Nothing!" I said with my not-quite-innocent face. The _Dutchman_'s crew continued to jeer at us.

"I'll handle this, mate," Jack said. "Oi! Fishface! Lose something? Eh? Scungilli!"

"Jack, watch out for the–" I interrupted, but it was too late. He tripped down the steps. Jamie giggled. Everyone else cringed, be included. Jack lifted the infamous Jar O' Dirt above the railing.

"Got it!" he called. "Come to negotiate, have you, you slimy git? Look what I got." Jack started singing and I joined in. Only, I didn't bother to replace the "I" with "he" in order to be correct.

"I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!" DJ turned and said something to his crew, with made the scary gun ports open. I quailed and ducked behind Jamie. Jack swallowed.

"Hard to starboard," he said.

"Hard to starboard!" Lizzie repeated at the top of her lungs.

"Brace up the foreyard!" Will added.

"He's really getting to be _quite_ the pirate, if I do say so myself," I said almost conversationally to Jamie. She treated me to one of those lovely, lovely salad bars*. I mean, YOUAREBLOODYINSANE looks. That one. Gibbs quickly spun the wheel to the right. "Aren't you turning it the wrong way?" I asked.

"No," Jamie answered for him. "You turn the wheel the opposite way you wanna go."

"Oh." Rather quickly, the ship turned away from the _Dutchman_. However, the creepy ship fired on us, and slowly (much more slowly than we had) turned after us.

A cannonball came flying through Jack's cabin. "Holy shit!" I yelled. It was actually quite terrifying to be fired upon. _Especially_ by the _Flying Dutchman_.

"She's on us! She's on us!" Pintel yelled, running up from the deck. Then, a cannonball (from what I knew to be the triple guns) knocked out a lamp right next to Gibbs. It flew right by my face, missing me by less than an inch.

Jack came up the steps and took the wheel from Gibbs. He spun the ship more to starboard. The rest of the crew was hurrying around to get the ship to go faster. Lizzie had come up onto the quarterdeck, and was leaning out over the railing. I almost joined her, but then I remembered the Kraken.

After not too long, it became clear that we were moving out of range of the _Dutchman_'s guns. "She's falling behind!" Lizzie noted.

"Aye. We've got her!" Gibbs answered.

"We're the faster?" Will asked.

"Against the wind, the _Dutchman_ beats us," Jamie explained.

"That's how she takes her prey," I continued.

"But with the wind..." Gibbs trailed off.

"We rob her advantage," Will said, the wheels in his brain whirring.

"Aye," Jamie, Gibbs, and I answered in unison. The three of us and Lizzie moved away from the rail. Gibbs went to tell Jack. I didn't want to be near the rail more than I – sort of – had to.

"They're giving up!" Marty yelled. The whole crew started dancing around happily and cheering. I didn't. Jamie didn't either. Jack surveyed his crew with a smile.

"That was too easy," Jamie noted.

"Aye," I agreed.

"This isn't a good sign," she went on.

"Aye. There's a reason the _Dutchman_ gets her prey anyway." Jamie tilted her head.

"The kraken."

**A/N: Hehehe... that was fun to write. Action always is more fun than... non-action.**

***: At my overnight camp, there's a salad bar, and every day at lunch the main counselor guy who always announces the meal for the day says whatever the meal options are, then "And of course, the lovely, lovely, salad bar." And the whole dining hall says it with him.**

**Ahh, camp... How I wish it was the end of August and I could go back and be a CIT for a week... ((Yes, my overnight camp **_**is**_** dumb and only has sessions camp that last one week or two. For some reason, the same goes for CITs. And two weeks is too 'spensive... sigh...))**

**Ooh, cliffhanger at the end there. Actually, it kinda **_**is**_** a cliffhanger. What's going to happen to me? Jamie? Are we going to go down with Jack and the ship? Just one? Which one? Well, I will tell you that neither of is going to be gone as in dead as in **_**not**_** in DJ's locker.**

**Other than that? Truth to be told, I have no idea!**


	12. Chpt 12: JackEating Kraken Attack

**tHE sECOND tALE OF lUCY tURNENBAUMERUMM **

**a Pirates insert-yourself/pardoy fanfic**

**Summary:  
Like in TTLT, Lucy jumps into pirates-land and screws with the plot. Only this time, she's older. And therefore dumber.**

**RATED K+ FOR STUPIDITY! BE CAREFUL!**

**Disclaimer: Didn't I tell you? I own all the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh wait... I lied. But I do own the absolutely insane Lucy Turnenbaumerumm, and Jamie Sparrow, who is my favorite pirates OC.**

**A/N: *cackles evily* I love being mean to my characters... even when they're me!**

**Lucky you guys, I edited out the ridiculous bloodshed at the end.  
**

**Chapter 12: Jack-Eating Kraken Attack (1438 words)**

"My father is on that ship," Will said.

"We already _know_ that," Jamie said.

"If we can outrun her, we can take her." Will went on.

"Not always," I observed.

"We should turn and fight," he urged Jack. I rolled my eyes.

"Why fight when you can negotiate?" Jack asked.

"For once, you have given up wonderful logic," I informed him. He gave me a look like, _'For once'?_

"All one needs is the proper leverage," he finished. I tried to refrain from laughing, since that was _exactly_ what I'd told Norrie when handing him DJ's heart. Then the Kraken-summoning jolt went through the ocean. His jar of dirt fell off the railing and onto the deck below. It shattered quite beautifully, actually. I looked down at the pile of white-as-sand dirty that Jack was digging through.

"I've always thought it's strange that that ripple effect summons both the _Pearl_ to Lizzie's – well, Will's – well, _really_ Bootstrap's – necklace _and_ the Kraken to DJ's biding,"I commented to Jamie.

"Right," she said. I was pretty sure she had no idea what the hell I was talking about.

"Norrie's got the thump-thump!" I called down to Jack. I don't think he was paying attention to me, though.

"We must have hit a reef!" A random crewmember said. Everyone – except me and Will – went to look over the rails.

"No," he said to himself almost. "It's not a reef!" he yelled.

"Get away from the rail!" I added. Will yanked Lizzie away, and I pulled on Jamie's arm.

"What is it?" she asked.

"The Kraken," Will and I said at the same time.

"To arms!" he ordered.

"Load guns! Defend the mast!" Gibbs seconded.

"It'll attack to starboard!" Will went on, moving into action. "I've seen it before." He pulled a sword from a handy barrel of them at the bottom of the stairs. I checked on my pistol and sword. Yup, still functioning. Well, in my possession, anyway. "Run out the cannons and hold for my signal!" Will went on. There was a huge scurry of movement on deck. A lot of the crew went below to man the guns. A considerable number of us were still left above deck, watching as the terrifying tentacles came closer and closer.

We all started backing up. Even the distance between me and that _thing_ of a whole entire spear was not enough. I had a sudden pang of homesickness. "Will?" Lizzie called, reminding me that there was a deadly creature in front of me and I had no time for homesickness. "Will," she called again, slightly more desperate. "Will!" she screamed.

"FIIIIIIRRRE!" Will yelled. There were a lot of explosions and a lot of smoke came up from the inside of the ship. The kraken tentacles writhed. A big one smashed the longboats.

"Shit!" I yelled. There were a few more explosions, and a sound I took to be the Kraken moaning in pain. Will ran up onto the deck. Everyone ran to the edges of the ship to look at their handiwork.

"It'll be back," Will said underneath the cheers. Jamie nodded as well.

"We have to get off the ship," she said.

"Too late," I said.

"There's no boats," Lizzie reiterated. ((YAY BIG WORDS XD)) A convenient powder keg rolled across the deck.

"We still have a bit more firepower in us," Jamie said, catching the barrel's drift. Will began to scheme.

"Pull the grates!" he ordered.

"He easily steps into the role of Captain, huh," I remarked cryptically to Jamie. Well, cryptically on my part, because I knew his fate. (Ooh, tricky me!)

"Get all the gunpowder onto the net in the cargo hold!" Will went on.

"That won't be enough," Jamie said.

"Will – rum's flammable too!" I called after him as he went down the steps.

"There's only half a dozen kegs of powder!" Gibbs worriedly told Will.

"Then load the rum," Will replied. The crew groaned.

"The rum's going down either way – at least this way it can help us!" I called into the cargo hold.

"Aye, the rum, too," Gibbs said sadly. I glanced out to sea, to see if Jack was rowing away yet. He was. Actually, he was at least as far away as he was when he decided to turn around, at least to my eyes.

Suddenly, another shudder ran through the ship. I suddenly burst into tears. "I don't wanna die; I don't belong here; what if I _do_ die?" I cried. Then, suddenly, the kraken attacked with extra force. "AHH!" I screamed. I was worse than scared for my life. I spared only half a second to pull Jamie aside.

"Jamie, when was the last full moon?"

"Four days ago, why?" she said, then went off to help with getting rid of the Kraken.

"Crap! Not good, not good, not good." I really did _not_ look forward to being PMS-y and scared shitless in Singapore, freezing my butt off getting to the end of the world, or being _dead._

I didn't want the last to happen accidentally.

I took out my sword and channeled (as best I could) what had been worthy of sobbing only minutes before into intense anger directed at the Kraken. "You're destroying the best bloody ship in the world!" I screamed. I yelled at it some more. I called it some names I really shouldn't write here, because it would force me to bring up the rating. I threw the world's best fifteen-year-old hissy fit, complete with slicing any and all tentacles that came within the reach of my sword. I definitely managed to maim the thing considerably. Everywhere, members of the crew were being picked right up off the deck and thrown away like useless, broken ragdolls. There was debris everywhere. Everything was going... well, as good as was to be expected.

Then the dumb squid-thing decided enough was enough. It smashed the wheel that the crew was using to lift the net that held the rum and gunpowder. The net (with Will still attached of course) dropped a few feet. Will got caught. I let out a pleasant set of expletives and ran to a corner where I might, possibly, be able to be out of the way. Then, Lizzie almost got dragged away by the Kraken. Thankfully, Ragetti was there to save her. He chopped off the tentacle below where it was wrapped around her leg.

"See, told you it was a good plan," I said. However, there was still a lot of drama going on on deck. Some random guy picked up Lizzie's rifle, but then the Kraken picked him up. Of course, the random dude dropped it at the top of the stairs. Way to be epic.

Lizzie freaked out and climbed up the stairs. The ship rocked and she fell over. She reached the rifle, but then a boot stepped on it.

"JACK!" I yelled. "WHY DID YOU MAGICALLY APPEAR AT THE HIGHEST PART OF THE DECK?!?" Jamie, who ended up next to me at that point, rolled her eyes. Jack reached down and picked up the rifle. Lizzie climbed up the last few steps and leaned on his leg. Jack lifted the rifle and aimed, but didn't shoot just yet. Will was still trying to work himself free from the much-too-thick-for-its-own-good rope that was holding all of the barrels together. Finally, he got himself free and took a wonderfully epically ugly fall to the deck. However, it did the job. Jack shot and exploded the rum and gunpowder, and Will was out of the way.

The barrels exploded. The Kraken drew back into the water, its tentacles – with huge, burned chunks missing – singeing as they touched the water. The sound was rather sickening, not to mention the smell of burning Kraken. Eww.

The explosion didn't leave us unharmed. The deck had patches that were burned, and it was littered with debris, both charred and not. All of a sudden, I felt a huge pain in my left arm. A jagged piece of wood was stuck in it, and it was starting to bleed. I stared at it as everyone else who was still alive was coming out of whatever refuge they had sought in the blast. Jamie emerged right next to me and looked worriedly at me. I probably didn't look too good.

The big splinter-thing in my arm wasn't too bad. It wasn't more than four inches long at the most, and it wasn't wide at all. It really was just a long, flat splinter. Still, it hurt. Jamie stared at it, then at me.

"Um... oops?" I said.

**A/N: Sorry, I got all PMS ATTACK in the middle of this. I actually did while writing it. And I still have homework to do... Gah.**

**Haha. Sorry about the overly descriptive. I have this bad habit of loving blood and gore to death, and it sneaks into my stories. Lucky me.**

**Sure, go ahead, leave a review complaining about the blood. See if I care!**

**Anyway, there's only about 5 minutes left in the movie that I'm still using. That doesn't mean this fic is over, tho – far from it! In fact, I have a little bit of original stuff to write. Mostly from Tia's shack (and getting that nasty splinter out of my arm) until we get to Singapore. I don't have much planned for it, so it should be interesting!**


End file.
